Confidants, Community, and Coaching

Aiko Bethea.mp4 - powered by Happy Scribe

Sacha Thompson is a respected and certified DEI coach. For the next 30 minutes, we'll get an exclusive look at some of her conversations with others in the field. Welcome to DEI After 5.

Hello and welcome, everyone to DEI After 5. I'm often asked where did I get the name DEI After 5 from? And so I want to share with you just a little secret. There was a time where I spent a lot of time in Seattle and would call a friend that was in the diversity space as well. And I would say, okay, what are you doing after 05:00? And we would have some very, very wonderful conversations with our favorite beverage. And so I want to bring her up right now and welcome and introduce everyone to Aiko Bethea. How are you?

Happy to be here. Thank you for inviting me and having me here.

I'm trying to remember I think we actually connected maybe about three or so years ago and just became fast friends. And then it became this very regular thing of like, hey, I'm going to be in Seattle, let's meet up, let's catch up, let's commiserate at some point or let's scheme. So all of the things, all of the things. But, you know, talk to me. I want folks to know just a little bit about you because what you're doing now isn't what you were doing a few years ago like you were you are still a practitioner, but you were kind of in the space and moved out. And so can you talk or share a little bit about that transition?

Yeah, I would say just like a lot of people have a lot of different iterations of my career, starting as a litigation attorney at a big firm, moving to being a government attorney, moving to Seattle, where I met you, where I worked at the Gates Foundation and leading a compliance team there. But while I was there, I also started the first employee research groups and then leaving there and working solely in the equity space at a biotech company there. And when we decided to move back to Atlanta, where there are more black and Brown people and raising our kids, I just decided to take a bet on myself and say, okay, I'm going to do this 100% in terms of the work that I love and working with people who really helped me to thrive, which oftentimes for people who look like us. And let me take a go at it because I was kind of just doing it a little bit on the side and it was already meeting the same amount as my annual compensation. I thought, what will happen if I did this rather than just five or 10% of my time, if I was doing this full time? And that's how I ended up with Rare. I was already a certified coach. I was already coaching executives and was working as an executive. And I wanted to make that shift of defining success on my own terms. And it's been a win since then.

I love it. You know, one of the things that I talk about a lot on this show is the importance of community and the importance of connecting with people that you see things eye to eye, not necessarily always see things eye to eye, but understand kind of your perspective and where you're coming from and what you've experienced. And when we were to have some of our conversations, I found that I didn't have to explain so many things because you got it right, like you already knew and you understood. And so for me, that was me starting to understand the importance of community, but also finding people that are part of your circle of support that will challenge you. And I know now a lot of that was probably the coach approach to working with me or talking, but talk a little bit about the importance of community and finding folks that will push and challenge you.

Yeah, I think so. A few things. When you and I met, I don't know if you remember this, but we met on LinkedIn. You reached out out of nowhere, and you are vulnerable in terms of this is what I'm dealing with. This is what I think I want to do next, and this is why. And also I realized you were sore. So already it closed our connection gap and proximity gap. One thing that makes it very difficult or creates barriers for people in that beginning phase of getting to know each other and how vulnerable I'm going to be is that a lot of people aren't as forthcoming. So the fact that you came out right away saying, I have this challenge, and then perhaps you can help me, we can have a conversation about it. It let me know right away that you were open, you were a learner, and you're willing to say, you know what? I don't have all this together, but maybe you can support me in this, and it made it really easy for me to close the gap between us. But a lot of times, relationships aren't created like that. You show me yours and I'll show you mine, maybe. And so you never get to what I call the real good space, right, where you're not having to put on any kind of facade, you're not having to pretend. And that's really the richness of relationships. And therefore also becoming community. And part of my work or effort is to make sure that that's more accessible to people, which means I show up a certain way, and that means I invite them to show up a certain way, too, maybe for them to learn how to because we have to do a lot of unlearning to even get to that point sometimes. So when you talk about community, community is a validation space. It's a space for affirmation. It's a space for healing. It's a space for joy, it's a space for grieving. And it's also a space for I love what you said where we push each other, which is where that's where a lot of learning happens. But that's also where a lot of the growth happens. It's also where a lot of the pain happens. And there's no better place or space to do that, except when you feel that you're in community and community is going to hold you. Right.

Yeah. Like, I'm just flashing back to I think, one of our conversations where you were just like, girl, why are you staying in this foolishness? And it was just so real. It was just so real. And I think at the moment, I want to fight through. And then it took me a while to be like, why am I staying in this foolishness? I don't need that. And I don't even think we've talked about that. The impact that had on me realizing I deserve so much better than this. And so it's having someone in your community that sees that there's something on the other side. Right. And so as I'm talking to folks, I was talking to someone earlier this week that was in a similar space where I'm just like, well, why are you putting up with this? What are you getting out of it? And realize, like, okay, it's the same thing that you did to me. It's that shock value. But sometimes we need that. Sometimes we really need someone to just kind of put their foot square in our butt to let us know. Okay. You may be going down a path that may not be best for you.

So one, yes. The other part is for somebody to do that with you, they have to not only see what could be down the path for you, but they have to believe in you, and they also have to value your worth. And oftentimes we don't go in our has faces like that where people believe us and believe in our worth and our capabilities. And oftentimes for us, women, people of color, it can look like us also not knowing our own worth. And if you also fall in these other categories, like first generation immigrant background or whatever it is you're told this narrative over and over again about, don't leave that good job. A good job usually means working for somebody else. And according to their terms, you need those benefits, don't leave those places. And so a lot of times we're in this default stage of always selfsacrifice and not thinking about our work versus thinking that we should be grateful to be in that job. So to have a conversation that we had, I totally was like, oh, man, this girl is brilliant. Why she's still there. I also have a love for a community where I think about so many of us are leaving this world too early.

Yeah.

And part of that is a price that we're paying, being in these spaces that aren't honoring us or holding us. And I don't want that for any of us. Right. And then the other part of why so I want to ask you a question is when you started thinking about this and you had these AHA moments, what was your answer to yourself when you said, Why am I staying here?

You know, and I thought about that answer quite a bit at the time. My answer was, because I want to fix this. I want to fix what I'm in. I don't want to give it up. I know that I can do what is needed to be done. I just have to get these barriers out of my way. Hindsight being 2020. And I had this conversation, I can't remember who I was talking to recently on the show about we put this Cape on, right. I'm superwoman. I don't have to be the one. And it took me realizing that. And another coach saying to me, where do you have the most impact inside or outside of that organization? And so it was just a combination of those things that caused me to think about. One, where do I have the most impact? Two, where can I be that's going to value what I do? And three, what can I do that is not going to take my health away from me?

That's right.

Because when we were talking, I was losing my hair and all of those things, and I was like, if nothing is worth that.

That's right.

Nothing is worth that. Yeah. I think that's where I was at that point.

I love that. And being able to even interrogate that idea of I want to fix things, but I don't have to be the superwoman here. And at what cost to me? And that's, of course, another default behavior. We have a lot in terms of being the fixers, being the Saviors, being the nurturers at our own expense.

Yeah. So it's a lot of unlearning behavior that we have to do. The other thing that came up as you were talking was the sense of imposter syndrome. Right. Like, we have this, I'm not good enough. You know, maybe I don't have what it takes, Rashika. And I'm proud. They've been doing a phenomenal job talking about this and flipping it to maybe it's not you. Maybe it's the environment that you're in. Right. And starting to question that. And I think especially for women of color, people of color in that space, when you start to think, is it the environment, you really start to realize, okay, it's not me. I'm just in a place that may not value me or may not support me learning and growing. So it's interesting because I think once you have community, you start to see those things. People start to ask questions that cause you to open up your mindset into what reality actually is versus kind of your tunnel vision. So I want to do a little bit of a pivot because we've touched on it a bit. But in our conversations, too, you talked about coaching, and I think you were probably one of the first people that I spoke to around coaching being something that can be done.

And so talk to me a little bit about why coaching could and should be a thing that people think about. Let's start there, because then I have a second question.

So first thing I want to say is anybody watching this, if you have not read Ruchika and Jodi Ann's article on HBR about imposter syndrome, do because it's a great learning. They also had a podcast interview with Brene on Dare to Lead. So it's totally worth your time in terms of coaching. This is what I'll say first as a big caveat, is that every coach is not working at the same altitude and the same quality. Yes, I'm just going to put that out there right there, because everybody and their Mama now is a coach. But I will say the reason why I went to become trained as an executive coach and why now I'm hired to train other executive coaches is because I had the benefit of executive coaches and was grateful for the fact that I didn't have to come out of my pocket. I didn't even know these people existed. And they can be quite costly. And I realized, wow, this is a space that I need. And I realized there weren't a lot of people who looked like us in this space. And as clients started coming to me, I realized, wow, these clients have had really harmful experiences with other folks. So it's kind of like if you're a black person, you have a coach and they're not black, and they're questioning you saying, are you sure that was racist? Are you sure that's what happened? Or if you're a woman and you share that, hey, I think that was really sexist what happened? And you're sharing this with your coach and your coach says, are you sure? Are you sure? Now I'll be clear that oftentimes even in community, somebody in community who is black might also say the same thing, because a lot of us have to decolonize ourselves. A lot of us have been in white spaces for a long time. We've been drinking the same water as everybody else in terms of the toxicity and white supremacy and those things. But having an executive coach, the value is being able to Zoom out and to be very intentional about not only what type of leader you want to be, but understanding what do you really value? What does that look like? And how do I become intentional about making sure that I'm living a life that honors that? And that doesn't only mean in my professional relationships, but it also means in terms of the profession I'm in, how I'm treating my team, how I go about pursuing what I want, is it okay for me to be competitive and a back biter? Because that's how people get ahead in the system. And I go home feeling like crap. And it's even a conversation that we had where you Zoom out and you realize this system is really messed up, and I can't fix this because the system is laced with the degree of white supremacy, that there's no breakthrough here that's good enough for me to stay here. And I can't make that impact internally. You can have that conversation within the context of having executive coach. You can name things be vulnerable and fears and things that you have that maybe you can't tell your boss or somebody else who might weaponize that against you when you're going up for a promotion or something. So you get to have this space with somebody and in a professional sense where they are actually supporting you in navigating a workplace. And there's not a lot of that like you can have therapists, but therapists aren't necessarily there to help you to navigate the workplace in this professional sense, in helping you to make intentional choices around work and things.

Right.

There is a difference between an executive coach. There's a difference between a therapist, and there's really a difference between a consultant. And many people think because they're mad when I'm not giving them an answer and say, do this, do that. Now if you want me to take off my coaching hat to be a consultant, I can do that all day long. But coaching helps you with behavioral change because you understand your why you understand what's motivating you.

Yeah,

Right. And that leads to sustainable, long term intentional change in decisions versus just one specific task. And how do I tackle it for the best outputs for that task.

Right. One of the things I tell clients, too, is as a coach, I'm asking a lot of questions. I'm not going to give a lot of advice. I may give some advice because I know the space, but I'm going to ask you questions because I want you to come up with solutions that make sense for you. And I think that's the difference. There's so many and you hit the nail right on the head. There's so many consultants that call themselves coaches and think that just giving advice is coaching and it's not. And so that was kind of the question that I was going to ask is to clarify between the two, because I think they do get confused and conflated quite often between being a consultant, especially in the diversity space. Right. And being a coach.

Yeah, absolutely. There's a whole conversation. We talk about coaches and everybody and mom wants to be a coach. There's also this thing about just when people are talking about the DEI sphere, and this person was interviewing me the other day, and they were like, there's a lot of charlatans out here, I was like, well, I've never thought about it that way, but there absolutely is. And you've got to really understand what you're looking for and be really clear about what your standards are and your expectations and make sure you're aligning with your coach and access, because some coaches will be unable to see systems at work because they never experienced them and they have no context for them. And you need to make sure that it's somebody who's going you're going to be able to create a strong coaching alliance with. Yeah, absolutely.

I think that's important. Right. It's having a relationship with that coach. Absolutely. And a therapist is going to have a relationship with you. That's not what they do. They will have a working relationship with you, with your coach. You need to make sure it's going to be someone there's a connection there. And as you said earlier, they see the future for you. But I'm going to tell you how to get there.

Right. They're going to work with you to figure out as you created and are able to give yourself permission to ask certain questions. Because oftentimes, like the conversation you were speaking of earlier, sometimes that's the first time somebody asks you, so how is that serving you? Because sometimes we're used to taking ourselves laughs that we never think about, oh, it should be serving me. It should be doing something for me. Well, what is not working for you? Maybe you're so busy surviving and coping that you never thought, actually, I have permission to thrive and I should be thinking about what's working for me and what do I want? And a coach will push you to have permission to do those things and to ask those questions. On the other hand, your coach will also push you in a way to say, how might that be causing harm to other people. That's part of you know, I coach people of all identities, and part of my coaching is always going to center people of color. If you're a white person in the seat in front of me, you're going to know that I'm not dismissing all these other people and even a part of myself as we're talking, because it's valid in terms of you being very aware and intentional, again, about the system you're navigating and whether you're making decisions that are by default because you can't see anything else.

Right.

Or in a way that's causing impacts and consequences that you're not aware of but doesn't align with your values.

Yeah.

So either way, I want to support you in being more expansive and intentional about who you want to be and don't want to be. And sometimes you're not going to get pushed in a certain way because the person in front of you, your coach, doesn't even know about other possibilities or systems, and they have some default thinking just like you. And that's why all of the coaches on our I have a coaching bench. All of our coaches and our collective, they're all people of color.

I was just going to ask you about that. Yeah. Talk here a little bit more about that because I think it's important that one let me back up. If you look at the coaches within the ICF International Coaching Federation, I want to say it's less than 5%. I think it was one of the numbers that I saw were people of color, at least in the US. Talk to us a little. Talk to me a little bit about kind of this collective and this bench that you have and kind of your goals with that.

Yeah. So the goal again, going back to the idea, why do I even want to do this when I experience the power of this work and having an executive coach, I also realize it was really cost prohibitive for a lot of us. And I realized, wow, I didn't even know executive coaches existed because it was something that was very elitist. Right. And actually, once upon a time, coaching was mainly just used to either coach people out of an organization because they have issues, or it was somebody who was so high performing or at the highest altitude, like the CEO who had the benefit of a coach. And I think they'd even frame it as instead of an executive coach, they would call it a business coach. And I thought, oh, my gosh, this is another space where we're basically excluded from not only in terms of that being a possible profession for us because we don't know it exists as well as it being a possible tool for us and our growth. And then I thought, wow, whenever you have those kinds of spaces, that means even the people who this work is accessible to are somehow working at a deficit because they don't have the benefit of the more expansive thinking and approach as other people have been excluded. And it makes a big difference for folks. And I thought one it's another career track that many of us are excluded from, but that so many would benefit from. And I thought, you know what? A lot of coaching programs are not all equal. We know that. And I would like to be able to support coaches in becoming as good as they want to be at their brand open, new ways of thinking about coaching and approaches help them to Hone their craft. The other thing is I have the privilege of being able to have clients who are Fortune 100, Fortune 50 clients. And oftentimes, as you know, Sacha, people don't give us chances. They keep going to the same people over and over again. And so I want to make sure that there is a runway for people who look like me to also be able to work in those spaces. And I want us to just feel good about the quality we're delivering. And there's just a lot of things. Black people. We have the concrete ceiling. We don't have the glass ceiling. So that means that we don't even know what's possible or what's up there because we've been excluded for so long and it's been hidden. We don't have the virtue of maybe I couldn't do it because I'm a woman, but my father, brother, uncle, grandfather, and people have done it. We don't have any of that. So my job is to make it a lot more transparent and accessible and versus opaque. So where I go, I'm going to bring other people and also show these are the things I've learned that work and that don't work because we don't get that.

Yes.

And so that is my goal around having a coaches of color bench and to be able to make sure that when folks do go into these different organizations, I've already prepped the client. We are coming from a perspective as people of color. I'm also being clear about how we expect to be treated as professionals and experts. And as you know, many times, we are treated very differently when we are the consultant, the coach, or whomever, because people aren't used to seeing us as a subject matter expert. So therefore, we're constantly questioned and pushed. And I'm very clear about me and the people in my coaching bench. This is the quality in which we expect to also be engaged with. And a lot of us don't have the space to be able to do that all the time. And that's where I want to make sure that my team experiences. And if you can't get down with that, then we're probably not the folks you want to work with anyway, right?

I love it. So I'm going to do a little bit of a pivot.

Yeah, sure.

One of the things that I always ask my guests talked about it just now, too. A little bit is this work is about pouring into so many other people, right. We're putting the Cape on. We're giving what do you do to fill yourself up? How do you fill your cup?

So I wasn't even going to talk about this. I have always been into stuff with escapism, be it with music or be it with different books, futuristic books, other things like that. So I guess you say I'm a black nerd, I'm a blurred. But one of the things I did a lot over COBIT because we were seeing black people murdered on TV, on a real over and over again, and just all the pollutions that's been happening that's totally not even covert related that we've had to deal with all the time. I need some escapism. So every day I go on these walks and I just listen to my books because I'm an audible junkie. So I'm going to tell you that my guilty pleasure. Now I can be out of the closet about it. I will listen to these books and the genre is called Cozy Comfort. So have you heard of Cut Cozy Comfort? So think about murder, she Wrote.

Okay, okay.

So Angela Landbury, and there's always a murder crime that happens during the week, and the community actually becomes a part of a character. So these books are always almost like this formula, but there are these different aspects where you learn the characters in the community, and that becomes a part of the existence of the books in the series. But what I noticed is that and it was great in the sense of the main character is always a protagonist. The protagonist is always a woman, usually always white, but she also lives this life as unencumbered. Right. So she doesn't have kids, she's not married, but she usually has a romantic interest. She's financially free because usually she's an entrepreneur. So she has her own bookstore or coffee store or whatever.

Right.

But everyone's usually always white. And if there are people of color who pop up, we're like an accessory. And I say, man, these books are so relaxing. They're so easy. I just wish that they had more people who look like me. And I thought, why don't you write those books? Yes, I'm writing a series, Magnetic Murder series. The book will drop next year, although we're going to have some vignettes this year. And it gives me so much joy. So it's a space for me to be able to be created. The main character, Tamika Robinson, like us, she's a recovering attorney, and she goes out, makes a bet on her own. And she owns her own series of order shops, which are like chartering boats, scuba diving lessons, and stuff that people don't think about black people doing. That right. Her best friend, multi generational at College educated. Her dad has been a CFO at several different companies. Their good friend Gabe is nonbinary, short for Gabriel, but it's like a black MacGyver. Their friend Anna is a partner at a firm. She's Mexican American. But the whole theme is about one. We usually exist in imaginations and the creativity of white people. And it's a dangerous place to be, right. As the quote says. And I thought, wow, when we do see ourselves as free and powerful, it's usually with Afro futurism, usually like Black Panther, which we all love. And why? Because we weren't steeped in trauma. And usually our stories are about and our experiences are about our trauma. Right. Or how we overcame and what happened. But it's always steeping. And I was like, we need a new story. It can't be for like, once we have vibranium and it can't be about in the civil rights era, and it's sure as hell can't be now or Taylor and George Floyd. So what is it going to be? I was like, we need to create new stories out of our now. So these are their presentday books. They're regular people. And it goes back to where you started us from, which is about community and how we choose our own communities and how we're brilliant and how we're successful and people don't think and we're not a monolith and how we have moments of joy and love. And I was like two caveats. The folks of color are never going to die in these books, and we are never going to be the perpetrator of crimes. But it's in the Southeast, and the whole idea is success on our own terms. And I'm so excited about it. We have even a whole product line under this Guiche name called Nuft, which under Gucci. People don't know it's coast of South Africa. I mean coast of South Carolina, where I'm from, where many of us still resides, coming directly from ships that brought and slave people over. But enough means what? It means abundance. It means plenty. It means full, the exact opposite of that scarcity mindset.

Yes.

But it's in that healing in that community space. I'm super excited about it. And we have live launches that are going to drop next year. Live means Seattle, Detroit, Atlanta. It means there's going to be actors involved. We have a James Beard mixologist making our drinks. And I'm really excited. And we have a great Reader's guide, so that one we can have these kind of conversations we're having in terms of community and connection and vibing off of it and seeing models of people who look like us and maybe showing what's really possible for us, but also for folks who don't look like us. White folks to be able to close the proximity gap and understand us through a different lens in a different way.

Yeah.

When they pick up a beach read, they're reading about Amina, Amir, Ben, Tamika, whoever. And they can actually what black people live like this old man. And maybe they'll fall in love with the characters, too. Maybe that means they don't have to touch our hair in the office because they're reading about Tamika saying, I'm so glad I don't have to wear wigs weaves relaxers anymore. And the Reader's guide goes to what have you ever had to worry about not getting a promotion because of your hair? Wear your hair, how it goes out of your head. And a link to go to the Crown Act for them to read about these different things. So hopefully as an education tool, a dialogue. But it's not at our expense. It's not that you have to bring in a person of color as a Di person to deal with all your crazy questions, or that you need to go to Sacha on the street and touch your hair or this made up stories about us. You can do your own work within community and read it and add something really fun, like a fiction book.

Right.

So I'm really excited about that series dropping next year that just brought me so much joy.

I just love it. And I love it. That's Our Reality, Right? I Mean, When You Name The Characters I'm Like, That Could Be Any One Of My Friends, Right?

Yes, It's US. I Was Like, This Isn't Inaccessible. I Don't Even Need To Stretch Because This Is US. But A Lot Of US Don't See Ourselves Like that. I Have A Lot Of Issues With US Calling Ourselves Unicorn. The Only The Best Of That Because I'm Like Unicorn. We Are Common And Vibrant And Vivid And Amazing. The More You Make It Seem Single. Tory, It's Lonely.

Yeah. A Few Years Ago, I Said That Right? I Was Just Like, I Don't Like Being Called A Unicorn Because Unicorns Do Not Exist. And I'm Standing Here In Front Of You. Unicorn. Yeah.

We Have Our Communities And We Have Our Tribes, And We're Not Always The First, either. So It's This Idea Of US Getting Off Of Sometimes A Pedestal Ourselves, But Also This Idea Of We Need To Scale What It Looks Like To Be Enjoy, To Be Happy And Whole, Not Assimilating Even Not Assimilating Idea Of What Our Families Of Origin Might Impose Upon US, Right? Yeah.

I Can Go On For Days With You.

I'm Glad To Be Here With You. One Day Soon We'll Be Sharing Space And Not On Video.

Yes, In Person. We'll Make It Happen. Thank You So Much For this. How Can People Get In Contact With You?

So My Website, www. Dot. There It Is, rare Coaching. Net And Also On Instagram At Rare Underscore Coach. And We're Really Active On LinkedIn And We'll Be Launching LinkedIn Live Soon. But LinkedIn For sure.

Wonderful.

Thank You For Having Me. Sacha.

Thank You So Much. My Soror My Friend

in case anyone is Confused.Although Your Backgound Makes It Clear.

All Right, If Anybody Is Confused, I Even Wore Pink For This Occasion. So thank You So Much. Thank You For Everyone, For Joining US In This Conversation Today. I Hope You Were Able To Get Some Nuggets Of Information Out Of This Because It's Just So Critical. The Importance Of Community, The Importance Of Doing The Things That Are Right For You, Not Just Right For The People That Are Around you be sure To Subscribe And Follow us on YouTube. Follow US On Your Favorite Podcast Platform And We Will See You Next Time. Bye.